We tend to think that infidelity and affairs are all about sex. In reality, affairs are symptoms that sends a message about problems in the relationship. The betrayal of trust from one’s spouse or partner can be one of the most damaging issues to any relationship. Perhaps you suspect your partner of having an affair. Understanding this simple issue will allow you to work on the complex problems of finding solutions.
Once an affair happens, the relationship becomes unbalanced. You feel violated and are uncertain whether or not you can ever trust in the relationship again. The person having the affair is also stuck. What may have started out with misguided dreams and intentions has now created a situation where they are responsible for their actions yet also stuck in the doghouse without any clear way out. This drastically complicates recovery and requires changes on the sides of both partners in terms of communication and being aware of why the affair happened in order to prevent an affair from ever happening again.
Nice, Non-Fighting, Couples
These are the people who fear conflicts and never resolve any of their differences until the marriage fades away.
Couples Frightened of Intimacy
There is a fear of being emotionally vulnerable, so barriers are kept high by fighting, slamming doors, dramatic actions, and physical violence. There is a fear of letting one’s guard down which means to them that they would be hurt, abandoned, or feel trapped.
Affairs Used to Fill Internal Emptiness
Like the alcoholic, some people, use sexual addiction to avoid life, to search for the magical all-loving parent, and as an excuse to be promiscuous. It is not about sex or romantic love. It about avoidance and the need to fill some type of emptiness from childhood abandonment feelings of some type.
Codependent spouses are the ones who do everything for their partner and sacrifice their own feelings and needs. Affairs for these spouses happen when one notices that someone appreciates his/her needs that were not being met in the marriage. The affair can be seen as a Mid-life crisis (ages 34-65), but they are much more. They are about the years of not attending to one’s own feelings. One does not necessarily want to end the marriage. However, unless the marriage changes, it will become impossible to end the affair.
These types of affairs happen as a way of ending the marriage, not the reason for the marriage ending. The affair becomes a way of sliding out the door. Each person needs to understand what they have done that has contributed to the end of the relationship. These are difficult relationships to put back together because decisions have already been made. It is easier for the person to act it out in a way that makes them feel secure and safe rather than having to face the pain of talking and resolving things out.
Affairs happen when they consume time and energy that would normally be going into the marriage. There is always a sexual current in these affairs even though nothing results in a sexual activity.